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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 10, 2013 7:30pm-8:01pm PDT

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[bleep]. first of all. the idea of new yorkers sharing anything other than sexually transmitted diseases-- (laughter) >> is back ado. -- wackadoo. how does it work. >> the program launched for annual members last week without pay $95 a year for unlimited 45 minute rides. >> jon: receipt me stop you right there. what is an unlimited 45 minute ride. because it sounds like the limit is 45 minutes. like promising three minute eternity. ladies. (cheers and applause) did i say 3, i was thinking of the metric system, it's really only-- i think it translates to one and a half. but who knows?
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this could be greatment maybe these 6,000 new bicyclists on manhattan streets every day are more skilled and savvy than we think. how's it going. >> not everyone knows how to ride. that's why volunteers are running free workshops like this one. >> helmets are encouraged but not required. (laughter) >> jon: a lot of people are going to die. (laughter) no, that sounds-- so they're learning how to bike and they don't have to wear helmets. wait a minute, that gives me a moneymaking idea. no, no, no, i said moneymaking. yeah! gray mat certificate no matter what johnnie sue's street brain removal service. the secret ingredient is a mop. but of course this being new york city somebody's got to have a problem with it.
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>> bikers and drivers alike admit they're nervous with the sudden influx of novice riders on unfamiliar equipment. >> doesn't accept our credit cards. >> we want the bicycle share program but we want it less heavy-handed placement of these racks. >> jon: oh, they're not safe. doesn't work. it looks like [bleep] blah, blah, blah. you know we used to say the same thing about the irish. and look at them now! they're running the joint! (cheers and applause) if there had ever been anybody t was like look, i like the irish, i just thought there would be more judicious placement. doesn't anybody have a real objection? >> do not ask me to enter the mind of the totalitarians running this government, or the city. this means something much more than the specifics of this dreadful program. it means, envision what happens when you get a
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government that is run by an autocratic mayor or other leader and a government before which you were helpless. (laughter) >> jon: just [bleep] bikes, lady. slow down, lady hunger games. or should i say pulitzer prize winning editorial board member of the "the wall street journal". am i missing something here? what group are you suggesting is conspiring to crush the will of the people. >> the bike lobby is an all powerful enterprise. (laughter) >> jon: ah, yes, big wheels. and their union sons. damn you, fozy bear. the good news the "the wall street journal" finally recognizing the corrosive effect of lobbying, the bad
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news, it's the bike lobby. come on, there are real complaints to be made and to see if the people of new york are willing to make them we sent al out to the streets to make the case. >> reporter: with the city bike program now nearing the end of its first week, dor thee is all over the city are speaking out against that tyrannical bike share. >> i think it's a disaster for the city. >> i think it's a hazard. >> i might be a potential accident. somebody pite right out like this and hit me or someone else. as a bike is coming out. >> let's be honest you are a potential accident no matter what you're doing. and the damage is sure to take a far greater toll. >> you have an historic neighborhood being desecrated by these ugly bikes. >> can you imagine the property values going down on these three buildings in front of which -- >> i think that one went from like 22 million down to 21 million. >> it's sad. >> heartbreaking, even. not to mention the bike
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share's biggest tragedy of all. >> they're taking way from valuable parking spots. >> at least three or four other cars can could be there. >> the bikes take up more room than the hondas because they extend into the street. >> we're looking at the same thing, right. >> yeah, we are looking at the same thing. so you must be for the bikes. >> i don't give a [bleep] either way. >> okay, well neither do i, because i don't live here. >> the wrs part is mayor bloomberg covertly planted these bike stations with practically zero notice. >> one morning i woke up, they were here. >> awe awful. that bloomberg has done this. >> apart from the 159 meetings, he didn't say a word. >> obviously there was some community outreach but they put these stations down without any due process. for example, on west fourth street. >> okay, well, even though that is not true, why is it?
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>> yes, everyone hates city bike, even the neighborhoods that don't have it. >> like brooklyn's ben. >> where city bike where we really need a city book. ain't no city bike in the hood. >> you are saying people in your neighborhood need the bikes. >> we need the bikes. >> why can't you take the subway. >> the j train, the j train, where the [bleep] am i going to go on the j train. >> they go on-- little. >> you know-- [bleep] own houses in the fourth court you know what we own here, spray cans bloep [bleep] black flag. >> he -- see how the big kos ruin his community. >> they are an eyesore, it used to be a beautiful historic neighborhood. >> eye sore in the neighborhood. we in the hood. them pretty blue ass bikes would benefit they would decorate this [bleep]. >> certainly someone must have a solution. >> if only bloomberg could come up with an alternate form of transportation, something that was convenient for all the citizens to sort of check
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out on a regular basis. >> it's not like you can rent a horse. >> the only thing i can think of is smaller cars,. >> fini cars. >> tiny cars maybe electric cars. >> tiny electric cars. >> like the golf carts. >> while the hood waits on those golf carts, they'll just have to make due. >> keep it up, keep that-- yeah, there you go, that's how do you a city bike-- city bike.
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is. >> jon: hey, welcome back. i'm hoping you know by now tonight will be my last show until september 4th. i'm actually leaving for i think a very noble reason. i am actually, i don't know if anybody knows this, am getting a massive plastic vooirj makeover. and turn this ugly duckling into a beautiful swan. actually here's what i believe i'll look like when i return, so just you get used to it.
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(cheers and applause) not really sure why i had the breast implant. while i'm getting my work done there will be a young go-getter named john oliver sitting in this share. i can assure you this show-- (applause) >> this show will be much classier while he is hosting. you have my word that my return it will instantly drop back down to the level you have long expected of it. (laughter) actually, obviously i'm going, going to shoot a little movie based on really an amazing story that began with a field piece that we aired on this show. at least our involvement with the story. in 2009, you know a lot of times we have correspondent. we send them places. i'm to the going to tell you what actually happens but we actually tried to get a correspondent into iran because they had been nick named the axis of evil. we wanted to see, you know, who these evil people were. and it turned out they got kids and everything and they
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play ball and eat food and don't want to go to war all the time. but we did interview in 2009 a couple of people and it was right before their election between ahmadinejad and moss oussavi that turned into the green movement which turned into really, anyway, this is the piece where we first met maziar bahari s so take a look. >> reporter: the islamic republic of iran, a nation in upheaval. a powder keg waiting to explode. but as we empathize with these courageous souls risk their lives to take a stand for democracy in the face of oppression, let us not forget these people are evil. but just what is it that makes them so evil? i hadn't signed up for twitter, so the only way to find out was to go and see for myself.
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as i touched down at the airport on my 36th birthday i was completely alone. no american embassy, no alcohol, not even exposed ankles to leer at. >> i have a wife and children. please don't hurt me. >> i assured my producer tim greenberg that as long as he was with me there was nothing to fear. first up i made contact with my translator mahmoud. we headed to a coffee shop for a clandestine peting with iranian journalist maziar bahari. i was told he would go by the code name pistachio and i would recognize him by-- oh, i didn't see threw. i asked him a question on ef rewerner's mind why was his country so terrifying. >> in one word misunderstanding. the two sides don't understand each other. they don't know the values
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of the other side. they don't know how to talk to the other side. and actually i have written about that for "newsweek" magazine several times. >> yeah, i didn't understand a word of that. mahmoud, could you translate that for me. >> yes, he is saying he has written about this problem that you have in "newsweek" magazine and you can read about it. >> okay. what did he say? >> he said that i said i have written about it for "newsweek" magazine several times. >> i'm going to need someone who speaks english. >> the one thing i could understand was that this entire country is evil. the first thing to know about iran is it is not evil. >> iranians and americans have much more in common than they have different. >> what do i have in common with you. >> who is number one enemy of the united states. >> al qaeda. >> al qaeda is also the number one enemy of iran. according to al qaeda members, any shi'a, any iranian has to be killed and if you kill an iranian you will go to heaven and will you have --
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>> enough of his western educated "newsweek" double speak. the real seething anger was on the streets. >> so when did you start hating americans? >> to hating americans? >> uh-huh. >> what do you mean. >> hating? >> never. >> no, no, we never hate them. >> we're just trying to do a thing here where we say iranians hate americans, can you just do that for me. >> you would like me to hate. >> yeah, could you. >> to hate. >> yeah, please. >> no, why, no. >> i'm not hate of americans. >> okay. >> i'm not hate. >> no, no, apparently they didn't feel free to express their hatred for us in public. so mahmoud secured an invitation to a private iranian home. >> hello. >> hello. >> hi. >> hi. >> oh. you have a beautiful cave. >> thank you. >> if i could just earn their trust i could finally peers this society and expose their true feelings.
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our meeting began with traditional small talk. >> so what did one jewish bird say to the other jewish bird? >> cheap, cheap. right? because they're cheap. you know, and they look like birds with the big knowses. wow. -- noses, wow, that joke want right over their heads. >> we don't hate jews, we don't hate anybody, actually. we don't hate americans. >> as the night wore on it became painfully obvious. engagement with these people was futile. the gap was too wide. -- was inevitable. >> this is your birthday cake. >> you're like my perfect
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family. >> thank you. >> if it weren't for that guy. >> the look on his face told me one thing, i wasn't getting my carton of cigarettes back from his daughter. it looked like i was in for a very long week. >> jon: jason jones. when we return, we'll t
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>> jon: welcome back. so we were just watching, we
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were just watching a field piece in which jason jones interviewed iranian journalist maziar bahari in tehran, the real tehran, not on a green screen. and it was all just good clean fun, just good, clean, comedic, sat tiric art, it's what we do. it's so clever. and then i guess about a week after it aired, this happened. >> bahari was detained without charge sunday morning in tehran. he has not been heard from since. so i felt like [bleep]. what happened was right after the election after the riots they started arresting a ton of people and detaining them. maziar was held in evan prison for three months in solitary, he was tortured and interrogated. and one of the things he was interrogated about was being in contact with an american spy. the american spy in question
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was this guy. they played the tape of the piece for maziar in the prison and suggested why was he meeting with a spy. now first of all, jason is in the a spy. and second of all, he's canadian. (laughter) (applause) so anyway, as you can imagine, a couple other people that we spoke to in ra ham iazi and a cleric also in the pieces were arrested and detained along with thousands of iranians. the good news is, it had nothing to do with us. it didn't necessarily ease the pain we felt for people that had become dear friends of ours at that point, but it did ease some of the guilt. but what happened was after maziar was released due to an international campaign that helped him get out, he decided to write a book about his experience called then they came for me. it's an incredible book. he's a wonderful writer.
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he and i became friendly, we sat, we had a bunch of breakfasts together and decided why don't we try and turn this damn thing into a movie. and that's what it is. so we wrote a little scripty script and am going to head out and do that because-- in truth, great literature is not great literature until it has been made into a movie. the great gatsby, the bible, cloudy with a chance of meatballs. so i wrote the script, put it in an envelope marked hollywood! care of producers! and dropped it in the mail box. next thing i knew i was headed to where stars are born, the middle-- middle east, in the dead of summer. so that's my story. i consider it a really great honor that maziar is trusting me to tell his story and i just hope dearly
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that i don't screw it up. be checking in with john oliver throughout the sum tore make sure he is feeding my plants and watering my children. he's going to be incredible. and i can't thank enough the crew here and the staff here for covering for my sorry ass all these months while i was working on this. and i will miss you far more than you will miss me. and i can't wait to get back but thank you for your indulgence. we'll be back in just a minute for oe.#)ç-d y
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comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> that's our show. listen, i hope all of you have a wonderful safe summer, please enjoy the show. (cheers and applause) >> i don't care what they say, it's my show now, i i want it in pink. >> john, i'm doing a quick -- >> hold on a second, what? >> you're not really starting to monday, i was going i do a heartfelt good-bye. >> oh, wow. you are still here. looks like we have us an awkward situation on our hands. >> can you can just give me a minute. >> i was just going to say the same thing to you. >> all right. >> how do we play this. >> can i just, i will just toss to my last moment of zen,. >> sure, i understand, you do that, take your time. >> yeah. >> here it is, your moment of zen. >> ha, ha, ha, it's my show now. you can't even throw to zen without me butting in, look, look, i got your pens, i'm
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putting them in my pants. i'm putting them in my pants! (applause) >> sorry, i thought you had left. i'm sorry about the pen. i'm sorry about the pen. (cheers and applause) [hail to the chief plays] - good evening, my fellow americans. i just want to thank you for your continued faith in-- - we won, mother[bleep]ers! [screaming] we won! - that's my anger translator, luther. - whoo! yeah! what's up? [humming] ♪ mm mm-mm mm ♪ mm mm mm-mm - but i want to wish my opponent, mitt romney, well. he ran a good campaign. - take that [bleep] back to the lab, mitt,
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'cause you lost! - and now we move forward with pressing issues. - we gonna pass healthcare again. now what, bitches? - while we had huge turnout from our faithful supporters... - thank you, black folks! we made it to two elections in a row, man! now how hard was that? - all your votes were crucial in this victory. - white people who voted for me, y'all are all now honorary black people. - so thank you for your support. - and [bleep] you if you tried to [bleep] me! i mean, you know how much money they tried to spend to get rid of this? millions, son! i said millions! but you couldn't get rid of it, [bleep]. aw, naw. yeah, can't touch this. - luther. n--luther, what'd i tell you? no hammer dancing. - come on, "b"! we won! let's do it, dog! - no, i'm, uh, i-i-i told you, i don't want you doing it wrong. - ohh. - you gotta get it right. - ohh! - if you're gonna do it-- god bless america. - oh, that's right, that's right. say it, though. say it! - now, i-i-i told you, homeboy, you can't touch this. [soul music] ♪
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[cheers and applause] - hey! whoa! - hey! - hey! - thank you. - thank you. - all right, all right, all right! - all right. - all right. - thank you so much. thank you. i'm keegan-michael key. - i'm jordan peele. - and this is key and peele. thank you... - welcome to the show. - for coming out tonight. - yes, welcome to the show. - um, are you guys sick of politics? audience: yeah! - okay. okay. we're done. well, thank god. - mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - we are finished for a while. anyway-- - we have this theory that these pop stars that claim that they party all the time, there's no way... - it's impossible. - that they actually party that much. - can't party full time. - you can't do that. - but no one ever writes a pop song about resting. ♪ today's the day ♪ that i put my head down and rest ♪ i mean, it's like... - yeah, you don't get that.